The Struggle with Faith
Does it ever end?
I’m back!
Yes, I know it’s been a bit. I do apologize for that. Even the prompts from Substack, trying to incentivize me to come back were fruitless. The Muse hasn’t exactly struck me again. There have been some ideas of mine that have been floating in my head, but I have yet to have something coalesce, except for one:
Losing Faith
This is one topic I am loathe to broach. I have a very logical mind, but there are certain topics that can induce a slight panic in me. This is one of them. Why is that, do you ask?
Being logical, I am very willing to look at the Bible critically and examine it vis-à-vis archeology, critical literary analysis, and plain history. There is so much that doesn’t confirm what the Bible says. There are definitely tidbits that do match up, but some things absolutely do not match up, like a historical actual exodus from Egypt, the destruction of Jericho, a worldwide flood, or even simply the creation stories that are in the Bible. With the evidence that we have, we can say that these incidents did not occur as they are described in the Bible.
What is amusing to me is that I had learned about these issues while I was still at a Christian college. I listened to these perspectives and filed them in my brain to examine later, but I didn’t until much later in my life.
Am I losing my faith, or just re-examining it? I don’t know for sure.
I have one friend who, when reading this, more than likely will tell me to just take the plunge, accept that religion is nonsensical, have some bourbon and enjoy the rest of life. That’s hard to do.
What is pushing me away?
To be concise: Other Christians. A couple of weeks ago I was in a Discord group for Christian men. They tend to be mostly Evangelical men, but not all. One of these men wanted to pin me down on exactly what I believed with a series of statements that I should say “yes” to, which, among others, stated that Jesus was born of a virgin. I have serious doubts of that being a realistic authentic statement and I couldn’t say it. The person wanted no explanations, no clarifications. He just wanted me to say “yes” to all of his statements.
I called it “gatekeeping.” People were trying to see who was “in” and who was “out.” It’s a very human thing to do, but it also tends to ostracize and isolate people rather than bring them together. My old denomination even has an unofficial group, called “Sentry,” which seeks to “monitor the heritage and reputation of The Salvation Army.” It is the antithesis of “whosoever will.”
Gatekeeping is a normal thing that many humans do to see who belongs and who doesn’t. It can be as simple as seeing if you say “pop” or “soda” for a carbonated beverage, but then it can be somewhat nefarious, asking how one baptizes, what one believes what will happen in the End Times, or who one voted for in the last election. These queries can be innocent, but often they can be used by the questioner to seek a leverage against you, to say you don’t belong.
When someone tries to do this to me, I become extremely wary. Some people might actually be genuinely curious, but more often then not it is not to get to know me, but rather to find some point to say the following words:
”You are not really a Christian.”
I’d like to say that these words no longer bother me. I would not be telling the truth. It feels as if once again I am being rejected by the community that I grew up with.
I guess this is probably one of the things that says to me I no longer belong to the group of people called Christians. I am queer. I have a boyfriend. I don’t have an established dogma of beliefs. I am certainly not orthodox in the strictest sense of the term.
Yet . . .
I still want to follow the teachings of Jesus. I still want to follow the one, who said we find Heaven in the way we treat others, especially those who have been ostracized and rejected.
Do I do this? Do I treat others with love and compassion? So I guess for me this is what I need to focus on: how I treat others.
And my faith? Have I lost it? I am not certain it is something one loses.
Faith is how I live.
Jesus had to deal with a lot of gatekeepers too...in the end I find solace in the idea that, I too, simply AM that I AM.
Only in recent years have I been able to obsess less over whether or not I had "right beliefs", but in doing so I believe I've found it much easier to participate in "right doing".
Good luck. Figuring this stuff out, as always you are more than welcome to reach out and we can wrestle over some of this stuff together...a lot of people find it helpful.
My mom is Christian, she would share with me verses from the Bible, I remember one in particular that's always stayed with me. It was something along the lines of not pointing out the splinter in my eye while you have a tree branch in yours. My take away was she wanted me to love others and leave the judgement for God. We all have our faults and short comings, for someone to say you aren't a true Christian seems like the least Christian thing to say.